Joke thread

blonde bird walks into a doctors:-

Blonde- i'm not sure whats up, i just don't feel too well.

doc- well take of you clothes, and i'll examine you....

(10 mins later, the doc has done his examination)

Doc- i have something to tell you.......i think you have acute angina.

blonde- yeah i have nice boobs aswell (.)(.)

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork
when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2007! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

INFAMOUS TESCO MURDER

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side,
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then
explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested
inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept
the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the
manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol'
Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with
the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,


The headline declared............





/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/















'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'

what's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

the man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the butt and say, "your next fatty..."

What do you call a woman with two **nts?








Mrs. Neville

I think this ones quite good but anyway:

A woman's in the middle of labour, taking a little rest and the doctor is looking downstairs and notices that she has a tattoo of Ronaldo on the right thigh, and Rooney on the left.

She notices him doing this and says 'like my tattoos?'

And he replies:

"I don't know who those fellas are but I can see Neville in the middle"

A woman walks into the doctors and says "I've got bit of an unusual problem downstairs"

"Please describe it" replies the doctor.

"Well whenever I take my underwear off it chants 'United! United!'"

The doctor replies:

"Ahh that's ok, 70,000 **nts sing that every week"

'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'

man gets home, tells his wife, "get me a beer before it starts"

he drinks it then says, "quick get me another before it starts"

again she gets it, he drinks it and says, "another before it starts"

she says, "listen here you lazy, fat bastard, you walk in, sit down and start barking orders...

the man says, "fuck* me its started"

young boy's 15th b'day is coming up.
he asks his dad for a bike,
his dad replies "Can your d**k touch your a*&e"
"No", he replies.
"well, sorry I can't buy you a bike then" says the father.

on the day b4 his 16th b'day the young boy asks his dad once more for a bike.
"Can your d**k touch your a*&e" says his dad.
"almost", he replies.
"well, in that case...NO" says the father.

On the eve of his 17th he repeats the question, once again his dad replies:
"Can your d**k touch your a*&e?"
"Yes, dad it can", says the boy growing more and more impatient.

His father replies:

"well, in that case...GO FK URSELF"

What's with all the Anti-united jokes?


Change them to a team no one on here supports, Newcastle for instance.





.....*ducks*

Bill hicks used to say – when I was young I hated my dad boys use to come up to me in primary school and say oi hicks you sissy,

‘My dad can beat up your dad’ and all I used to say was ‘When?’

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several
hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital,
and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister,
and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous
intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill
every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything
for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets
off his legs.

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl; the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, sh e asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "Th at was just incredible, how could you tell?"


The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, theres no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe its a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. Whats so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home, and follow the Rabbi's advice.

They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help, and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice.

They go home, and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm, and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly: 'you see, you young schmuck. THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

A farmer named Patrick had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Patrick.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Patrick responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'

Patrick said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Patrick's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Patrick thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she
was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the HELL would you say?'

A man goes to a knocking shop, picks his target and goes to the room with her.

"I hope you don't mind,"says the man, "but I'm rather kinky."

"That's alright," replies the lady of the night, "what is it you'd like me to do?"

The man has a quick ponder, then says "I'd like you to strip off, get on all fours facing the wall over there."

The hooker duly obliges, but after 10 minutes or so of waiting patiently with nothing happening says,

"I thought you said you were kinky?"

He replies "I am. I've just $h1t in your handbag."

Paddy and Murphy workin on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I fancy a day off, im gonna pretend im mad", With that he climbs up onto the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "IM A LIGHTBULB!"

While murphy watches in amazment, the foreman sees this and shouts "Paddy get down from there, pack your tools. Your Mad. Go Home"

So he gets his tools together and leaves, just after Murphy starts packing up too. "Where you goin?" asks the foreman?

"Well" says Murphy, "i cant work in the f*@$ing dark can i?!"

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.. but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you....The girl looked at him, and then said,'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
'The bastard Only had Quarters!'

LMAO

good although i would of chaned it to uk currency

quality thou where di you see that

A guy a work told me today i just remembered it

brilliant joke fergie

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding
car. The officer says,

' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,
sir.'

The driver says,

'Gee, officer I had it on cruise
control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the
wife says:

'Now don't be silly dear, you know that
this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket,
the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut
for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says,

'You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second
ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife
and says through clenched teeth, 'Damnit, woman, can't you keep your
mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,

'And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see
officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I
could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very
well that you didn't have your seat belt on.

You never wear your seat belt when
you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out
the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,

'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and
asks,

'Does your husband always talk to you
this way, Ma'am?'



'Only when he's been drinking.'

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'