Joke thread

There were theses three balloons
Daddy balloon
Mummy balloon
And baby Balloon

Baby balloon couldnt sleep one night so he crept into his mum and dads bed but he couldnt fit in. So he decided to let a little air out of his dad, but still couldnt fit in so he did the same to his mum but still couldnt fit in. The quick thinking balloon then let a little of his own air out, All of a sudden the light came on it was his Dad. Shaking his head he said look son you have let Me down your mum down but most importantly you have let yourself down.

Whats the Premiership and a cordless drill got in common??

NO LEEDS

what does a 9 volt battery and a girls a hole have in common?









you know its wrong but sooner or later you are going to touch it with your tongue

What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and a carpet?

A carpet doesn't whine when you beat it.





Man in hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose "nurse" he mumbles " are my testicles black?" She raises his gown,holds his manhood in one hand and testicles in the other and takes a good look saying "there's nothing wrong with them sir".
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,smiles at her and says very slowly " thanks for that,it was wonderful but listen VERY closely and carefully..... " are my test results back?"

A policeman in a supermarket car park sees a driver park his car in a Disabled bay.

He walks over to have a look and sees that as the driver is getting out and walks away that he has no kind of physical disability as he walks casually towards the front door

Baffled and concerned in equal measure, the policeman approaches the man and says

"Sir, you cannot park in that bay if you do not have a disability"

To which he gets the reply:

"I have f...ing Tourettes you f...ing tw.t, so p..s off and leave me alone!"

I thought I saw the name of an aquaintence of mine who is a Blues fan on a loaf of bread.
How I laughed when I reaslised it actually read 'thick cut.'

40 Liverpool supporters arrive at the gates of heaven.
St Peter says to them, "We've only got room for 12, so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in".
Five minutes later, St Peter says to
God, "They've gone"
.God says, "What, all 40?"
St Peter says, "No, the gates".

Whats Mr T's favoutire yoghurt?



A petit filous

it was xmas 2001 and the good fairy visited houllier in his office at anfield. 'monsieur houllier' she whispered. 'you are a good man, and has been decided you can have one wish as it is xmas.

houllier had no hesitation in saying ' ah ma chere, you are a dream come ture. ever since i moved to liverpool i have wanted them to build a bridge from merseyside to France. i hate flying and the British trains are so unreliable. if ou build a bridge for me , i could drive.

'oh no monsieur' said the fairy in an apologetic tone. 'that is an impossible wish to grant. it would be too diffuclut a task even for me with my magic powers.please try again'

houlier thought hard beofre saying ' i have a player in my team who should score more goals. can you make him a 20 goals a season player? his name is Emile Heskey.'

The fairy recoiled and raised her hands. 'OK. how mnay lanes do you want on your bridge?

How do you know when a Scoucer has broken into yer house?

Yer bin's empty and yer dog's pregnant.

An irish man has just moved into a new village and on the Sunday afternoon he walks into the local bar and orders 3 pints of guinness. He sits on his own and steadily finishes each one.

This continues for a number of weeks before the bartender asks - why dont you order one after another then they will be fresh and cool when you drink them.

The irish man replies that he has 2 brothers each in different parts of the world and on a sunday at the same time they all buy a round and drink to each others health.

The bartender understands and the process continues for a few months. then one sunday the irish man comes in and orders 2 pints takes them to the corner and starts to drink.

the bartender knowing the meaning of the 3 pints walks over and says - i am sorry to hear of the loss of your brother.

The irish man looks at him confussed so the bartender points out he has only ordered 2 pints today.

The irish man starts to laugh and says both of my brothers are alive.

The bartender asks why he has only ordered 2 pints then, to which the irish man replies - Thats easy i dont need one as i have given up drinking.

Words Women Use:
FINE - is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES – means half an hour if she is getting dressed. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING - is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD - is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
A LOUD SIGH! - is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY - is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS - means that a woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
WHATEVER - is a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

what do you call a Japanease car thief ? Tommy took a motor

Why did elton john get fired from the sperm bank

He got caught drinking on the job

a englishman, a frenchman and a german are walking through a desert and a genie appears and says 'i will grant you each one wish'. they all think long and hard. the frechman wishes to be back home, away from the desert. the german asks 'can i have a wall all around my country, 100ft high!' his wish is granted. the english fella asks 'can anybody get in or out of the city?' the genie replies 'no it is inpenetratable'. the englishman further replies 'fill it up with water then'

What do you do if an Irishman throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin out and throw it back

The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, the female has two breasts and one vagina.

She then pointed to the male picture and said, The male has one penis.

Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, That's wrong teacher.

Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny? begged the teacher.

My daddy has two of them, explained Little Johnny. One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with

WHwats the difference between english girls and afghani girls.

English girls get stoned before they comit ADULTERY

So Villa, know any jokes?

thats the best one right there

villarule19 wrote:

Whats Mr T's favoutire yoghurt?



A petit filous

Mate the punch line is


Petit Fool

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"

There was this old woman who said she'd being married 4 times :
1st-to a Banker
2nd-to a circus clown
3rd- to a preacher
4th- to a coroner
so when she was asked why she had being married so many times she then replied..... i married.... 1 for the money 2 for the show and 3 to get ready and 4 to go .

Two women walking home drunk had to pee so they ducked into a graveyard. They had no bog roll so one women used her pants and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath. The next day their husbands were talking. We'd better keep an eye on our wives, one said, 'mine came homw without her knickers'. You think thats bad, said the other, mine had a card up her arse saying "from all ther lads at the fire station, we'll never forget you"!

A women married & had 13 children. Her husband died, she married again & had 7 more children, again her husband died. But she remarried and tjis tine had 5 more children & she finally died. Standing at her coffin the precher prayed for her ans said "lord they are finally together." One mourner asked her friend, do you think he means her first,second or third husband? The freind replies, " i think he means her legs"