Joke thread

*DISCLAIMER**DISCLAIMER**DISCLAIMER**DISCLAIMER*
The beneath jokes are all taken from bbc 606, aston villa page. Not by me

is that better Bazz

*DISCLAIMER**DISCLAIMER**DISCLAIMER**DISCLAIMER*






















INGREDIENTS

Ready Made Crumble Mix
1 German Prune (well passed its sell by date)
4 French Lemons
3 African Melons
1 Spanish Plumb
2 Brazilian Nuts
2 English Gooseberries, if you have them lying around (please note! These fruits are seriously over rated!)

COOKING INSTRUCTIONS

It is recommended that you adhere to the recipe but as it is an 'Arsenal Crumble' some cheating is expected

For a good 'Arsenal' crumble topping the ingredient need to be well beaten before cooking (5-1 should do it!)

Add all the fruits together in a hot cauldron (Anfield is perfect) and make sure they stew for 90 minutes You will know that they are properly stewed as they will completely break down and lose all of their structure.

Add a generous splash of 'Chateau Wenger' whine to add to the sour taste.

Once this has been done cover with the crumble mix and place into a very hot oven (Old Trafford) for a further 90 minutes.

The 'Arsenal Crumble' is now complete!!!

Arsenal supporters may find this dish very bitter to swallow!!

If so they can help themselves to a large slice of humble pie which we made earlier!!!

Q. Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.
A. Who gives a F**K!

Q: What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig?
A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.

Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.
Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.
Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved


Q: How do you define 144 Chelsea fans
A: Gross Stupidity

Q: Why did Chelsea go on the stock exchange?
A: To prove that crap can float.

Q: What is the difference between Gianfranco Zola and a mini?
A: A mini can only carry three passengers.

Q. Why do Chelsea fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
A. So they know which end to wipe!

I've heard that Stamford Park has arguably the best pitch in the Premiership.
Well...not entirely suprising considering all the sh*t that has been on there.

Q: What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!

Q: What do Chelsea keepers and SInger Michael Michael Jackson both have in
common?
A: Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q: What does Claudi Ranieri say when Chelsea score?
A: Fantastic. Now let us try to get goal at other end of pitch.

Q: What's the difference between West Hams goalkeeper and a taxi driver?
A: The taxi driver will only let four in!


Q. What's the difference between West ham and a teabag?
A. A teabag stays in the cup longer.


Q: Whats the worst thing about Upton park?
A. The seat's face the pitch.


Q: What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line at Upton park?
A: They score


Q: How do you make a Hammers fan run?
A: Build a job centre.


Q: Why do hammers fans plant potatoes round the edge of Upton park
A: So they have SOMETHING to lift at the end of the season

Mr. Blobby and Mrs Blobby are in bed together.

Mrs Blobby says "blib blob blobble blob blib blib"

Mr. Blobby says "just fucking swallow it, will you"

Your stuck in a room with a lion, a tiger and a man utd fan. You have a gun and 2 bullets what dya do?


shoot the Man Utd fan twice

well i have the blackburn version!!!

10 Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween







10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

TEACHING MATHS IN THE UK IN 1985:
Timmy sold 20 bottles of lemonade for 50p a bottle, and it cost him 25p to make each bottle, what profit did Timmy make?

TEACHING MATHS IN THE UK IN 1995

If Timmy sold £5 worth of lemonade for £10, what profit did he make.

TEACHING MATHS IN THE UK IN 2008

Using a calculator, multiply 20 by 0.5 then take away 5




TEACHING MATHS IN THE UK IN 2018


اللغة العربية الفصحى 20 فصحى , خليجي5

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and
proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?". The robber notices
another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and
shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun
around.

There is silence for afew seconds before an elderly male voice is
heard from a distant corner..

"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers...

"I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a ph uk."

What do pirates do in the evenings?

Your mothAAAHHHHRRRR!

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

NEED HELP. Have a bad week end as a blues fan...upset at the result.

Call the blues helpline 0845 51 51 51

Loved them

Ring - Ring

'Hello ?'

'Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

'But honey,

you haven't got
an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do,

and he's upstairs in the room

with Mommy,
right now.'
Brief Pause.



'Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone
down on the table,

run upstairs

and knock on the bedroom door

and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay Daddy,
just a minute.'
A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it Daddy.'
'And what happened honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed
with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed
with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water

last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's dead.'
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool?
Is this
486-5731?'

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?


Fo' Drizzle

What does snoop dogg use to wash his car?




his hoes

If Snoop wants to borrow your tools to do some woodwork, what do you lend him?



Yo' Chizzel!!


Where does snoop dogg shop?





At WH Spliffs

what do you call a bear without an ear?

Spoiler:

What does Snoop Dogg say while he is cooking?

Fo sizzle

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Spoiler:

Bit of a warning for the weekend.....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Doner Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this car park or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
11. Thank you Mr. Taxi Driver, that was a very reasonable price.

The Titanic is sinking slowly. On deck are three men: One is a paediatrician, one's a lawyer and the third is a priest.

The paediatrician shouts "Save the children"

The lawyer shouts "F $ck the children"

The priest says, "Do we have time?"

I was out walking the dog this morning, when I spotted two teenagers wrestling with an old aged pensioner for her purse. I immediately ran over to help.

We got the bloody thing off her in the end.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ' You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

There was an Arsenal Supporter ; Liverpool supporter and a Chesterfield supporter all stuck in the desert starving hungry.

Suddenly after walking for about 4 hours they found a lamb .

No idea how they found a lamb in the desert

The Liverpool supporter says "As I support Liverpool I'll have the liver"

The Chesterfield supporter says "As I support Chesterfield I'll have the chest"

The Arsenal supporter says "I'm not hungry any more!"