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GORDON Brown received a boost yesterday after Labour's former deputy leader John Prescott compared him to the frozen food giant Captain Birdseye.

Writing in the Waitrose customer magazine, Mr Prescott said politics was often like preparing a meal for a family of four on a busy weeknight.

He added: "It's not easy. Not everyone likes sausages. Or Chinese. But don't worry 'cause here comes Captain Birdseye, he'll know what to do.
"Sure enough him and his crew of tiny pirates have great big treasure chests full of fish fingers, or perhaps a nice battered cod for the grown ups.

"And if the fish wasn't defrosted properly and someone spends the next two days on the shitter, it's hardly the Captain's fault, is it?

"In fact, if you're bent over double with the world falling out of yer arse, the last thing you want to do is get rid of the Captain, what with him being an expert on fish-based diarrhea and such.

"But if you want to ditch the best skipper this crew of tiny pirates has ever had and spend your money on Findus Crispy Pancakes then be my guest, you stuck-up Tory bastards."

Political observers believe Mr Prescott may have been confused and had instead meant to compare the prime minister to Captain Haddock from the TinTin books, or possibly Captain Caveman.

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EVERYONE in Britain has been given three weeks to move house and then redo the bathroom as part of the government's plan to boost the ailing economy.
Treasury officials believe there will be a beneficial 'knock-on effect' of the mass house move involving removal firms, trips to B&Q and £90-an-hour plumbers making questionable remarks in front of your wife.

Chancellor Alistair Darling said: "It is now more than 20 years since moving house replaced coal mining as this country's chief economic activity.

"It is now so important to our economic well-being that if no-one moves house, everything turns to shit within seconds.

"So rather than do something pointless and irrelevant like suspending stamp duty, it's really much easier if we just force you all to move."

Mr Darling said he did not care where people moved to but warned that anyone who had not changed address by the end of August would be forcibly relocated by the fire brigade.

"The firemen will drag you from your beds before giving you an ample supply of boxes and then standing over you to make sure you wrap your crockery in bubbly stuff."

He added: "Then it's off to B&Q where the Madrid three-piece bathroom suite is just £279, including a mixer tap.

"And if you are going to redo the floor, use natural slate. And don't get brightly coloured tiles - use either plain white or subtle earth tones. Look, just do it - alright?"
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PARENTS of fat children are to be sent sketches of their overweight kids after the government banned schools from describing them as obese.

The drawings will be handed to parents by a health visitor who will then silently mouth 'shit your kid is enormous' and pretend to be sick on their shoes.

School nurse Nikki Hollis said: "I'm not allowed to describe a child using medical terminology but I am allowed to illustrate their condition with a sketch.
"I've drawn a little gallows with F _ T B_ _ T_ _ D underneath, and a picture of a donut and an equals sign next to a grave with the kid's name on it."
She added: "Research shows parents of the fat believe their child is a healthy weight. So how come they run for their lives when it tries to sit on them?"
A health department spokesman said: "The biggest problem facing our country is large children who can't run and are starting to smell a bit funky.
"We have committed more than £500 million to pointing this out and developing a series of replacements for the word 'fat'."
He added: "My current favourites are 'globulous' and 'beeftastic'."
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THE BBC is to ban the use of any number higher than nine from its television and radio news bulletins, the Corporation said last night.
Figures under nine will still appear, but only if they are represented on screen by a man dressed up as a number and led into the studio by Mr Snuffleupagus.

All the numbers will then line up in the correct order and dance, while Mr Snuffleupagus explains the latest inflation figure using women dressed as typical household goods.
The numbers will then be chased from the studio by the Count who loves to count.
BBC head of news Julian Cook said: "People today are finding it increasingly difficult to cope with complex information and numbers, what with all the stuff that's going on.

"The last thing they need is Evan Davies showing off with his double-digit numbers and his hoity-toity percentages.
"Instead they want Fiona Bruce to stand in the street and make her eyebrows dance."
He added: "If we ever do want to get people interested in complex or difficult issues, we'll just tell Feargal Keane to go somewhere poor and get all upset about it."

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CELEBRITY chef Antony Worrall Thompson has been foiled in his bid to kill the entire readership of Healthy & Organic Living magazine.
Worrall Thompson had prepared a series of recipes including baked Alaskan salmon with ground glass and weed killer and an organic salade nicoise dressed with two litres of Domestos.

The magazine has now issued an urgent apology and will refund the full cost of the August edition to all those who die.

Worrall Thompson said last night: "When I was approached by Healthy & Organic Living it occurred to me immediately that this would be great opportunity to kill them all.

"I took great care in preparing these lethal recipes and I am extremely disappointed that the readers of this unbearable magazine will not be annihilated."

He added: "'Oooh look at me, I'm living all healthy and organic because I'm so very fucking special'.

"'When I go to the supermarket I wear a face mask to protect me from the stench of people who eat fish fingers'.

"'Then I buy my copy of Healthy & Organic Living and leave it lying around the house so all my guests can see immediately that I am in fact, A C*NT!'.
"Eat the salmon of death motherfuckers! EAT IT!"

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BRITAIN'S estate agents were last night celebrating the return of popular word game Scrabulous to the Facebook social networking site.
At the time it was suspended more than 90 per cent of the game's 500,000 daily users were sitting around in one of the UK's six million estate agencies with nothing else to do.

Receptionist Nikki Hollis, of Knight Frank in central London, said: "We had a man in last week. He smelt a bit, but seemed really keen. He took a brochure, but when he got outside he made it into a hat."
Henry Chappell-Reeves, a senior negotiator for Chestertons in Fulham, said: "We've introduced naked cage fighting.
"It keeps everyone on their toes. The boys get greased up and the whole thing gets very competitive and erotic. Just like the boom days of '99."
Meanwhile Lane Fox in Chelsea is now the scene of noisy cock-fights, with rival negotiators pitching their animals against each other in duels to the death.

Wayne Hayes, of Winkworths in Battersea, said: "I'm keeping myself busy constructing a matchstick model of the last house I sold. By Christmas it should be worth more than the real thing."
Dr Julian Cook, a chartered economist, said: "The collapse of the housing bubble has led to a massive increase in loneliness, depression and distress among estate agents.
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FOOTBALLER Cristiano Ronaldo is being lined up to star in a multi-million dollar remake of the epic TV series Roots.
Producers say the star's treatment at the hands of Manchester United make him the perfect choice to portray the young African slave who is beaten by his brutal masters.

The Portuguese winger said he had been traumatised by 'outrageous' demands that he honour the £125,000 a week, legally-binding contract, which has brought him only, misery, adulation and Gemma Atkinson.

Speaking from the titanium gazebo in the rose garden of his 31-room mansion, Ronaldo said: "I feel I can relate to the suffering of African slaves.

"If anything, it is worse, because footballers cannot sing while we work, whereas they had time to develop gospel music during their 16-hours shifts before dropping dead from exhaustion."

In the series a young African boy is dragged from his homeland and shipped to America where he is forced to work in the fields by a cruel and violent plantation owner.

"The similarities are uncanny, though admittedly, the Lear Jet that flew me from Lisbon to Manchester wasn't packed with 150 other players sleeping head-to-toe."

Ronaldo also conceded that, while the slave-master in Roots administered brutal beatings, Man Utd boss Sir Alex Ferguson had nurtured his talent, lavished him with praise and turned him into one of the best footballers in the world.

"But without the freedom to do whatever I want, wherever I want, for whatever fee I want, I am exactly the same as a cotton picker forced to live in a shed, dying at the age of 32."

He added: "I know the people will love my acting. Already, in the streets, I hear many of them calling me 'Kunta'."
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THE Jeremy Kyle show has been censured by the television watchdog Ofcom for broadcasting a Scotsman during a daytime programme.
The regulator ruled the ITV show was in clear breach of the broadcasting code which places severe restrictions on the use of live Scots.

An Ofcom spokesman said: "These people can only be shown on screen if there is a valid editorial reason, and they are accompanied by a solicitor or their words are read by an actor.

"In the space of 20 seconds we heard four 'fuds', an 'erse', at least two 'keechs', and one 'gerrit right up ye, ya fuckin' shitebag'."
He added: "There were also five 'boabies', a 'basturt', three 'chebs', a 'bam', two 'fannybawz' and a 'come aheid ya fuckin' dobber'. We believe much of it may be offensive."
A spokesman for ITV said the show's Manchester-based staff had mistakenly invited the Scotsman onto the programme thinking he was either Bulgarian or mentally retarded.

He apologised for any bad language, but pointed out that the show would have escaped censure if it had not been for a single complaint 'from some c*nt in Aberdeen'.

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DRIVERS who can position their car in the middle of a parking space at a supermarket are sliding closer to extinction, conservationists have warned.
Research teams have recorded a sharp decline in numbers over the last decade, despite strenuous efforts to educate the public about how easy it is to just put your fucking car in the middle of a parking space.

Dr Tom Logan, head of species protection at the WWF, said: "There is a series of white lines separated by spaces roughly the same width as a car, plus a little bit more. Let's think of that as the first Great Big Fucking Clue shall we?
"As we approach, we then have to ask ourselves: 'do I park on the white line, do I straddle the white line or do I get my huge, chocolate-covered face out of my fat, greedy, unwashed arse and just put the fucking car in the middle of the fucking space?'"

Conservationists have blamed the crisis on a combination of poaching, loss of habitat and an unbelievable fucking selfishness by a bunch of total and complete bastards who deserve to die on a spike.

"There are now less than 50 people in the UK who are able to do this," said Dr Logan. "That's not just a tragedy for our planet, it's doing my fucking head in every time I go to Homebase."

WWF warned that drivers who can park in the middle of a space will soon share the fate of people who knew not to park four feet from the fucking kerb, extinct since 1993.

Dr Logan added: "A fucking mountain gorilla could do this with its fucking eyes shut, but for some reason the average British motorist seems to think every car park in the world was made just for them.
"Or maybe they've heard that if they park on the white line Graham-fucking- Norton is going to jump out from behind a bottle-bank and send them on holiday to Orlando.

"Anyway, the point is we need more money."

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CANNABIS is now more evil than the Nazis and smoking the drug is worse for the brain than watching Richard Madeley on television, new research suggests.
During the Sixties smoking dope was hardly evil at all, and the drug was more playful and slightly naughty, but in a nice way, a bit like Kenneth Williams.

In the Seventies and Eighties marijuana briefly became totally harmless and could be smoked by future Cabinet ministers up to the rank of Home Secretary without any effect on their brains whatsoever.
However, a massive increase in the strength of the drug since politicians all stopped using it has now made it more nasty and brutish than the combined evil of the Third Reich.

Professor Tom Booker, head of drug research at Glasgow’s Clyde University and the man who conducted the latest lengthy study into the drug, said: “Yeah, whatever.”

A spokesman for the University said: “The Nazi’s were very bad people but even they could not make a middle class white boy adopt dreadlocks for a hairstyle, or make a highly intelligent middle aged man crawl around the floor of his laboratory in his underpants weeping with laughter about nothing at all, and then eat his own weight in marshmallows.”

Following the promotion of cannabis to the top spot in the evilness rankings the top ten most evil things in the world are:

1. (-) Cannabis
2. (2) Tobacco
3. (4) Debt consolidation ads featuring Carol Vorderman
= 5. (1) Richard and Judy
= 5. (3) The Nazis
6. (-) Heathrow Airport
7. (5) Prince Phillip
8. (7) Joseph Stalin
9. (-) Noel Edmonds
10. (10) The Devil and all his minions

(Previous position in brackets)

GOVERNMENT TO TACKLE BINGE-W*NKING
THE legal age for masturbation is to be raised to 18 as part of a series of measures aimed at tackling binge-wanking among teenage boys.

Supermarkets are to be banned from two-for-one pornography promotions, and all magazines will have to be purchased through special checkouts staffed by intimidating, attractive women.

Any pictures of naked breasts or private areas will have public health minister Shona Robinson's head superimposed on them and a speech bubble saying: "Eat healthy!"

Ms Robison said: "We want to make binge-wanking as socially unacceptable as drinking blood or setting fire to children.

"At the moment masturbation is an integral part of Scottish culture. This process will be long and hard, but I am determined to pull it off."

All aerobics videos are to be banned apart from health secretary Nicola Sturgeon's forthcoming Suzi Quatro Workout, which was declared "mind-numbing" after repeated viewings by the lower sixth at Merchiston Castle School in Edinburgh.

According to the Executive's latest guidelines, adults can have up to three personal hand interactions per week without causing any great harm to their health, apart from a degree of short-sightedness and bad breath.


But medical evidence shows that any self-pleasuring by those under 18 is certain to lead to blindness and ugly disfigurement before the onset of middle age, while binge-wanking will lead to total derangement within months.

The British Medical Association said the Executive did not go far enough. Bill McKay, of the BMA's Scottish Masturbation Committee, said tougher action was needed to deal with what he called a "stroking time-bomb".

Roy Hobbs, A&E consultant at Glasgow's Victoria Infirmary, said: "If Channel 4 shows another Kylie special we will simply not be able to cope."

A NEW species of giant rat has been discovered in a remote region of New Guinea by a team of totally freaked-out zoologists.

The scientists, from the Institute for Studies, spotted the 'absolutely mental thing' during a five-day trek through the hazardous Foja mountains.

Expedition leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: "I was filling my water bottle when I saw this huge fucking thing and I shouted to my mate Dave, I said, 'Dave, look at the size of that fucker!' and Dave was like, 'Jesus Christ, it's a fucking monster!

"I shouted over to Stevie and Ben, I said, 'get a look at this bastard' and they're like 'no way, man, that's mental' - they were totally freaking out."

Professor Hayes added: "Ben was like, 'that's a rat, it's totally a rat' and I was going, 'naah, it's some kind of freaky beaver or a weird-looking, fucked-up cat.'"

Dr David Hobbs added: "I was like, 'that's a mutant otter or something, it's bigger than my dog, for Christ's sake' and Wayne was saying we should catch it, and I was like, 'you fucking catch it'.

"So anyway, we tell Stevie that it's his turn to catch something and he's like totally pissed off, but he tears after it anyway, shouting, 'come here you dirty big bastard, I want to take your picture'."

Dr Steven McKay added: "We also trapped this manky little thing with huge eyes which they reckon is maybe a possum or a really big gerbil.

"Dave tried to give it a fruit pastille but it wasn't interested."